I just wanna be happy :)

Have you ever gotten into a rut. One that just makes you feel like "what am I doing with my life?" I go in and out of them from time to time and I've come to the realization that I spend too much time focused on what I think that other people think that I should do, or wishing that circumstances were different so that I could have what I wanted or be who I wanted to be. But, I've gotten to a place that is so peaceful because while I still value others opinions, I realize that I have to do what is right for me and go where I feel God leads me. I'm starting to use what I have to do things that I can and appreciate where I am in life physically, emotionally, financially and live within my means but still live it to the fullest. Everything is just a matter of perspective and by focusing on the positive I can truly be happy even despite all the bad that may come.

Check out the link, 22 things Happy People do:
http://successify.net/2012/10/31/22-things-happy-people-do-differently/

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25 | Thought Catalog

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25 | Thought Catalog

I have my own list of things to do before 25. Things like learn to swim (I know should have done this eons ago) and go zip lining. A lot of adventurous things that will force me to do something out of my comfort zone and remind myself to really live. But I like this list on the link. It addresses many real world issues that I've found myself overcoming. Like how after undergrad I had no jobs lined up and I truly felt like I was scammed. Then out of fear and anxiety enrolled in a masters program because i didn't want to be talked about like "oh she hadso much ppotential and she's wasting it at a part time job" etc. I've forgiven my parents for  things that I know now that they meant well. They are human. And although they often times don't understand my needs they love me and try to help in the way they know.

Most of the things in this article truly relate to growing up and allowing yourself to really live. Not just a thrill here and there but free your mind and open yourself to the real possibilities of life that you can only see with an open heart and open mind. Unforgiveness, guilt, regret, and hatred will only ruin your life. Its time to shed all the burdens of the past and be who you want to be. Be true to yourself and live with no regrets.

This is my goal.

It's been stagnant deep inside,

But it's coming up! I have this intense feeling of greatness within me that is bursting at my seams. It now, more than ever, seems unlikely for me to settle for mediocrity. There is so much that I want to do I just am looking for a place to start. The question I hate the most is "What are you doing next?" Just calm down everyone. Just wait and see. Cause you won't be able to miss it. It takes too much time for me to try to explain my vision. And as time goes on I see less and less reason for me to hand you my vision only for you to scrutinize and criticize because you don't see what I see. Just sit back. Or go ahead with your plans for your future. But stop asking me mine, because until you see it, you just won't understand.

I'm not trying to be rude. But in the time it takes to explain the details of my plan in a way that you will understand, I could have completed the next step.

The greatness is coming. You just wait and see.

I don't know what to do..

I don't know where to go. I don't know how to get to that next level, next phase, next whatever. And it's destroying my present. I am not happy, I cannot find contentment. I don't like all my down time because I don't like being forced to think of the future. It's too much to handle in large doses. I am miserable because I have no one to distract me from life. I want to lie on a park bench and just sleep for hours. I want to be a movie critic and a top chef. I want to lose a million pounds so I look good in clothes again. I want to feel like I'm loved, like I'm the most important person to someone. I can't think. My brain is hurting, my thoughts are blocked. My motivation has disappeared. Basically I'm a mess. And I don't know if these things can be cured.

Naturally Beautiful

I don't think I ever mentioned it on this blog because I never too much thought about it but I have not had a relaxer since about July 2, 2009. I didn't plan on that being my last relaxer but when time came for my next one and the girl that was going to put it in didn't come to town as planned I decided to see how long I could last with out one. I think African-American natural hair is beautiful but I never thought I would be able to do it. One cause I had no idea how to style hair-period, much less natural hair. I was never really taught how to take care of hair, all I knew was to make sure to get another relaxer in 6-8 weeks. But I did it anyways, and I have never had a relaxer since. Over time the texture difference became evident. I didn't know then that that was the "transition" phase. I just ever so slightly trimmed the relaxed hair off as to retain the length that my hair had been for a while. Unfortunately I didn't realize how important relearning hair care was so I tried to treat the new growth like the relaxed ends. The blow dryer and flat iron became my best friends. I know now how huge a mistake that was especially since I never used heat protectant (even though I bought some). Well now I have finally cut all of the relaxed ends and my natural is curly and beautiful (with some minor heat damage in the front that I plan to cut off over time). But what's crazy is that I am finding out that my hair is not unruly or hard to manage. It was much more complicated for me to have to blow dry and straighten my hair and be obsessed about it being as straight as possible. It is so much easier to wash it put some leave-in conditioner in and just go. Or twist it for styling options for a whole week. I'm still learning my hair and how to properly take care of it (and I have become addicted to the youtube videos on natural hair), but it is so much more freeing than I have ever felt with a relaxer. The downside is that with this new knowledge on hair care I want so much just to buy different products to explore what my hair responds to best but unfortunately I just don't have the money for that right now. Also, there can be alot of negativity since for some reason there are black people who can't appreciate a woman with hair in its natural form. I have a roommate who feels she has a right to comment negatively on my hair because it doesn't lay down. Even after others will compliment the exact same hairstyle. Her hair has to be silky smooth laying down in a relaxer. And I have nothing against people who have relaxers but just because I decide to go natural it doesn't give you the right to diss me because you don't understand. But thankfully most of the support from when I came home this Christmas Break has been so amazingly positive, much more than I imagined. Because although I haven't had a relaxer in a year and a half, I only recently began wearing my hair in its natural state and completely stopped the use of heating instruments so they had never seen it in its full glory. I don't know if the know heat thing is permanent. It was pretty much an impulse decision just like the one to no longer get relaxers but I want to know use them as a crutch as I am becoming reaquainted with my hair and learning how to style it, especially now that it's winter and it will be so so cold when I get back to school. I want to be me and I love the versatility of the hair that God gave me I never plan to return to the shackles of relaxed hair. Hopefully the inner girlie girl will surprise me and come out so I can style my fly hair. I really need to learn to flat twist and cornrow...some how geez. :)

perils of cuisine and dining...

Food is necessary to our existence but is a huge issue for a majority of the population...whether its having too much, or not enough, or perfecting the perfect diet so you can still enjoy life without losing the appearance that you want. My fast of fast food is nearing its end. And honestly I dont know whether or not i will continue it into the new year. I have definitely weaned myself off so that it is no longer a necessity. I think i will be able to use it sparingly as it was originally intended. Not as a permanent source of groceries. I havent lost much weight, I probably havent saved much money. But I have learned about myself and my strength and will power. I learned that I can't blame my weight or finances solely on fast food. It is because of lack of disipline by choice in other areas that cause me to get where I am. In order to make the change in myself that I so desperately want I need to be just as disiplined in those areas as I was in this fast. If for no other reason than to prove it to myself that I love me enough to make me better.

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He is...

exciting something that just happened, maybe a blessing in disguise. He is a beautiful smile in the morning sunlight. A calm word in the midst of distress. A cool glance that will cause a great unrest-butterflies and stars begin dancing and all of a sudden there is a permanent smile from ear to ear. He is unafraid to move to his own groove and is so intoxicating that he tempts those around to be just as brave, just as bold. Unknowingly (I think) he tempts me to open my heart. And maybe I will, be bold enough to do so.

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