Just a Little Broken

I don't know if I ever really addressed it. I guess my break up was just before I started this blog. But I cant deny the effect that it has had on me. We broke up. And it hurt. I felt like there was no real justification which brings no real closure. Then he wanted to be friends right away, and I couldn't tell him no-even though he really hurt me. I guess that is my flaw, wanting to please people, which almost always means that I don't get what I want. I guess that is why I started this blog. To express myself and hold myself accountable. But I haven't even been completely honest on here, I have left off many key things in order to look like the person that everyone else wants me to be, which is extremely pathetic I see as I write. I think I'm over him though. Of course there is an occasional wave of sadness here and there for the past, but I think that I have healed well and am ready to move on. But, I still care about his opinion and his feelings and I don't know why. Although I am completely justified in everything that I do relationship-wise I think if I start dating he may be jealous or upset. And I shouldn't care how he feels, but I do, and I don't know what that means. I've been my talking to The Prez and he says we are still in a relationship because we still hang out. And he thinks that the boy and I still have feelings for each other, but we don't from what I can tell. He looks at me differently. And we are never in a good place at the same time. He's upset and I'm happy, and vice versa. Maybe it was always like that but we could bring each other out of bad moods when we were together. We could make each other happy...but it's not there anymore. But to be completely honest I would be weirded out and a little bothered if he started dating someone else. I think I should have that right since I was the one dumped. And I can't admit it to The Prez but sometimes I feel like I have an obligation to the boy-and I know I shouldn't.

Maybe I have too much time to think about it. He busies himself all day so I doubt he thinks about me more than just to text an occasional or random message. I don't think it would be rebounding to date again. I just would like for it to be with a guy that has no relation to the boy. To make things easier on me. I don't know what else to say or how to justify myself further. It's funny though, I think the worst part of break ups is not having anyone to talk to about it because nobody else can understand what you are going through besides the person that just told you that they don't want you anymore. I think that's how I got suckered into this friendship with him. I don't regret staying is friend though, I'm just not sure how to move forward.

I gotta get out...

I've grown up a lot since I started college. I'm sure a good amount of it came from various experiences at school, but it always felt like I grow the most over the summer. I don't know why that is...it could be the fact that I have time to travel to new places, try new things, and meet people...lots of people. People from various backgrounds and with different personalities and it teaches me a lot about myself. How to adapt to different work environments and how to make great friends of people who seemingly have nothing in common with me on the surface. I think that what causes me to grow the most is the freedom. It's the time of the year when I have 3 1/2 months to experience life and all that it has with no restrictions. While part one of this year's summer experience was just as all others with the spontaneous Bahamian trip and the trying Mexican cruise (that I purposely have not said much about) and spending time with many new people, I'm concerned about the rest of the summer. Well concerned is not the right term by any means but I just want to do so much and I don't really have the means to do that right now. I made a list of 25 things that I want to accomplish before I am 25 (which I meant to post already) and not only have I not put a dent in the list, I haven't even done the normal things that I love to do over the summer. I just don't want to regress. I have a problem with feeling invisible and insignificant. I know that it's not good for me to be sitting in my room by myself for long periods of time because I start becoming an introvert again which isn't good for me.

Hmm. Maybe I should just start dating again. If nothing else it means that I'll meet a few new people and try a few things that are out of the ordinary for me...might be fun.

On a completely separate note. Someone is smoking inside and it's coming into my room and messing with my sinuses...thanks for being considerate unknown jerk.

Writing from the River

It's funny. I walked to the river to end my boredom. I brought my notepad to try again to vent about the anger and frustrations that I have been feeling since I came back to Arkansas. But it feels so amazing and the peace it brings makes everything else feel insignificant. I couldn't even get two solid lines out about my self pity. Maybe this is how God shows himself. By taking me out of my normal situation and showing me that if I open my eyes and accept the blessing of life that he has given me, my state of mind will improve along with my body and my spirit. I feel love and purpose. I am still alone at this moment, but I don't feel lonely. I think I have found perspective, and it's a wonderful place to be.

I feel so alone in this hellhole called Arkansas. I don't have the luxury of having family or high school friends in town to just do things whenever so I am freakin trapped on campus in the dorms staring at the same four walls day in and day out. Nobody understands that because nobody else is in this situation. So my dumb self practically begs people to take pity on me and take me somewhere. Anywhere. This is the worst way to live-Alone. I hate it here. I'm ready to leave and never look back. Nothing is working out and I can't take it. It sucks to feel like your life is wasting away because you are so dependent on everyone else and everything that you want and need has to be on the backburner for the rest of the world. I can't win. And whats worse is knowing that nobody is even thinking about you, caring that you are crying alone cause you feel like your brain will slowly implode from the boredom that comes with staring at a computer or television reruns for days on end. I feel so helpless with myself. I can't live like this. I shouldn't have come back for this. My summer was amazing til now and now it's a new low that I didn't think I could reach. Sadly my best friends that are keeping me sane (although they probably don't know how vital they are) live 9hrs away and I would rather be there with them.