Naturally Beautiful

I don't think I ever mentioned it on this blog because I never too much thought about it but I have not had a relaxer since about July 2, 2009. I didn't plan on that being my last relaxer but when time came for my next one and the girl that was going to put it in didn't come to town as planned I decided to see how long I could last with out one. I think African-American natural hair is beautiful but I never thought I would be able to do it. One cause I had no idea how to style hair-period, much less natural hair. I was never really taught how to take care of hair, all I knew was to make sure to get another relaxer in 6-8 weeks. But I did it anyways, and I have never had a relaxer since. Over time the texture difference became evident. I didn't know then that that was the "transition" phase. I just ever so slightly trimmed the relaxed hair off as to retain the length that my hair had been for a while. Unfortunately I didn't realize how important relearning hair care was so I tried to treat the new growth like the relaxed ends. The blow dryer and flat iron became my best friends. I know now how huge a mistake that was especially since I never used heat protectant (even though I bought some). Well now I have finally cut all of the relaxed ends and my natural is curly and beautiful (with some minor heat damage in the front that I plan to cut off over time). But what's crazy is that I am finding out that my hair is not unruly or hard to manage. It was much more complicated for me to have to blow dry and straighten my hair and be obsessed about it being as straight as possible. It is so much easier to wash it put some leave-in conditioner in and just go. Or twist it for styling options for a whole week. I'm still learning my hair and how to properly take care of it (and I have become addicted to the youtube videos on natural hair), but it is so much more freeing than I have ever felt with a relaxer. The downside is that with this new knowledge on hair care I want so much just to buy different products to explore what my hair responds to best but unfortunately I just don't have the money for that right now. Also, there can be alot of negativity since for some reason there are black people who can't appreciate a woman with hair in its natural form. I have a roommate who feels she has a right to comment negatively on my hair because it doesn't lay down. Even after others will compliment the exact same hairstyle. Her hair has to be silky smooth laying down in a relaxer. And I have nothing against people who have relaxers but just because I decide to go natural it doesn't give you the right to diss me because you don't understand. But thankfully most of the support from when I came home this Christmas Break has been so amazingly positive, much more than I imagined. Because although I haven't had a relaxer in a year and a half, I only recently began wearing my hair in its natural state and completely stopped the use of heating instruments so they had never seen it in its full glory. I don't know if the know heat thing is permanent. It was pretty much an impulse decision just like the one to no longer get relaxers but I want to know use them as a crutch as I am becoming reaquainted with my hair and learning how to style it, especially now that it's winter and it will be so so cold when I get back to school. I want to be me and I love the versatility of the hair that God gave me I never plan to return to the shackles of relaxed hair. Hopefully the inner girlie girl will surprise me and come out so I can style my fly hair. I really need to learn to flat twist and cornrow...some how geez. :)

perils of cuisine and dining...

Food is necessary to our existence but is a huge issue for a majority of the population...whether its having too much, or not enough, or perfecting the perfect diet so you can still enjoy life without losing the appearance that you want. My fast of fast food is nearing its end. And honestly I dont know whether or not i will continue it into the new year. I have definitely weaned myself off so that it is no longer a necessity. I think i will be able to use it sparingly as it was originally intended. Not as a permanent source of groceries. I havent lost much weight, I probably havent saved much money. But I have learned about myself and my strength and will power. I learned that I can't blame my weight or finances solely on fast food. It is because of lack of disipline by choice in other areas that cause me to get where I am. In order to make the change in myself that I so desperately want I need to be just as disiplined in those areas as I was in this fast. If for no other reason than to prove it to myself that I love me enough to make me better.

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He is...

exciting something that just happened, maybe a blessing in disguise. He is a beautiful smile in the morning sunlight. A calm word in the midst of distress. A cool glance that will cause a great unrest-butterflies and stars begin dancing and all of a sudden there is a permanent smile from ear to ear. He is unafraid to move to his own groove and is so intoxicating that he tempts those around to be just as brave, just as bold. Unknowingly (I think) he tempts me to open my heart. And maybe I will, be bold enough to do so.

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It's impossible to predict...

What will come of our lives. The plan for the future, or even just later today can be altered in the blink of an eye and there isn't much you can do about it and sit back and enjoy the ride. Not to say its dumb to have goals or plan or wish, but i guess what I have to learn is not to hold on so tightly that I miss not just the carnations by the side of the road but all the other benefits that can come from a sudden bend in the trail. Who knows what that bend could be protecting us from.

I want to feel free to truly experience life and throw all the rules and expectations out of the window and just feel the autumn wind on my face as I drive into the sunset. Of course it wouldnt be complete without a love to ride along. Call me crazy but I want to experience love in full force. The over the top, heart throbbing, soul stirring, "it's the significant other not gravity that holds you to the earth" type of love. And I want the feeling to be mutual. And once we feel this way I want him to be strong enough in himself to tell me...although words of course will not be able to fully express our feelings, I want to feel it seep from his pores, from our very beings. I want to know in the inner most part of me that we are one. Maybe it sounds crazy but what is the life without love, without that other person that is in the world that makes you better by simply existing.

I guess it is also impossible to predict what will come of a blog...because I didn't know I was gonna write this. But iguess admitting it is the first step.

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One day...

There will come a day when people will realize that I'm grown. A day when I won't take any more foolishness from adults who believe that just because they were born before me they already know everything about how my life should be run. On this day, I will not hold my tongue to spare your feelings and I will make sure that you know my kindness and good mannerisms are not and should not be mistaken for weakness...Ever. This is also true to my peers who underestimate me because of my general generosity and my desire to help. Right now im just waiting...trying to cool down while hoping that each of you come to your senses that the good Lord gave you before I have to bring it to your attention.

I don't know why people think I don't know what's going on...I tend to know more about any given situation concerning me than most would because I'm very observant. Even if I don't share what I know with you. Please stop being fake...and stop trying to get over on me. I don't have time for this...or for you. If the time comes when I have to approach you, you probably will not like it. Because at that point your opinions and feelings will not matter to me and will not be spared...I don't like being this way because I like being nice but a person can only take so much prodding...If you have nothing positive to add to my life, then just leave me alone.

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Just a Little Broken

I don't know if I ever really addressed it. I guess my break up was just before I started this blog. But I cant deny the effect that it has had on me. We broke up. And it hurt. I felt like there was no real justification which brings no real closure. Then he wanted to be friends right away, and I couldn't tell him no-even though he really hurt me. I guess that is my flaw, wanting to please people, which almost always means that I don't get what I want. I guess that is why I started this blog. To express myself and hold myself accountable. But I haven't even been completely honest on here, I have left off many key things in order to look like the person that everyone else wants me to be, which is extremely pathetic I see as I write. I think I'm over him though. Of course there is an occasional wave of sadness here and there for the past, but I think that I have healed well and am ready to move on. But, I still care about his opinion and his feelings and I don't know why. Although I am completely justified in everything that I do relationship-wise I think if I start dating he may be jealous or upset. And I shouldn't care how he feels, but I do, and I don't know what that means. I've been my talking to The Prez and he says we are still in a relationship because we still hang out. And he thinks that the boy and I still have feelings for each other, but we don't from what I can tell. He looks at me differently. And we are never in a good place at the same time. He's upset and I'm happy, and vice versa. Maybe it was always like that but we could bring each other out of bad moods when we were together. We could make each other happy...but it's not there anymore. But to be completely honest I would be weirded out and a little bothered if he started dating someone else. I think I should have that right since I was the one dumped. And I can't admit it to The Prez but sometimes I feel like I have an obligation to the boy-and I know I shouldn't.

Maybe I have too much time to think about it. He busies himself all day so I doubt he thinks about me more than just to text an occasional or random message. I don't think it would be rebounding to date again. I just would like for it to be with a guy that has no relation to the boy. To make things easier on me. I don't know what else to say or how to justify myself further. It's funny though, I think the worst part of break ups is not having anyone to talk to about it because nobody else can understand what you are going through besides the person that just told you that they don't want you anymore. I think that's how I got suckered into this friendship with him. I don't regret staying is friend though, I'm just not sure how to move forward.

I gotta get out...

I've grown up a lot since I started college. I'm sure a good amount of it came from various experiences at school, but it always felt like I grow the most over the summer. I don't know why that is...it could be the fact that I have time to travel to new places, try new things, and meet people...lots of people. People from various backgrounds and with different personalities and it teaches me a lot about myself. How to adapt to different work environments and how to make great friends of people who seemingly have nothing in common with me on the surface. I think that what causes me to grow the most is the freedom. It's the time of the year when I have 3 1/2 months to experience life and all that it has with no restrictions. While part one of this year's summer experience was just as all others with the spontaneous Bahamian trip and the trying Mexican cruise (that I purposely have not said much about) and spending time with many new people, I'm concerned about the rest of the summer. Well concerned is not the right term by any means but I just want to do so much and I don't really have the means to do that right now. I made a list of 25 things that I want to accomplish before I am 25 (which I meant to post already) and not only have I not put a dent in the list, I haven't even done the normal things that I love to do over the summer. I just don't want to regress. I have a problem with feeling invisible and insignificant. I know that it's not good for me to be sitting in my room by myself for long periods of time because I start becoming an introvert again which isn't good for me.

Hmm. Maybe I should just start dating again. If nothing else it means that I'll meet a few new people and try a few things that are out of the ordinary for me...might be fun.

On a completely separate note. Someone is smoking inside and it's coming into my room and messing with my sinuses...thanks for being considerate unknown jerk.

Writing from the River

It's funny. I walked to the river to end my boredom. I brought my notepad to try again to vent about the anger and frustrations that I have been feeling since I came back to Arkansas. But it feels so amazing and the peace it brings makes everything else feel insignificant. I couldn't even get two solid lines out about my self pity. Maybe this is how God shows himself. By taking me out of my normal situation and showing me that if I open my eyes and accept the blessing of life that he has given me, my state of mind will improve along with my body and my spirit. I feel love and purpose. I am still alone at this moment, but I don't feel lonely. I think I have found perspective, and it's a wonderful place to be.

I feel so alone in this hellhole called Arkansas. I don't have the luxury of having family or high school friends in town to just do things whenever so I am freakin trapped on campus in the dorms staring at the same four walls day in and day out. Nobody understands that because nobody else is in this situation. So my dumb self practically begs people to take pity on me and take me somewhere. Anywhere. This is the worst way to live-Alone. I hate it here. I'm ready to leave and never look back. Nothing is working out and I can't take it. It sucks to feel like your life is wasting away because you are so dependent on everyone else and everything that you want and need has to be on the backburner for the rest of the world. I can't win. And whats worse is knowing that nobody is even thinking about you, caring that you are crying alone cause you feel like your brain will slowly implode from the boredom that comes with staring at a computer or television reruns for days on end. I feel so helpless with myself. I can't live like this. I shouldn't have come back for this. My summer was amazing til now and now it's a new low that I didn't think I could reach. Sadly my best friends that are keeping me sane (although they probably don't know how vital they are) live 9hrs away and I would rather be there with them.

Same Tune Different Song

Yeah so I still need a car, although I have food and everything, I need to get a job and I need to work out and lose this stupid spare tire that has been building ever since I started college. I am about to finish college and begin a year of reign and I want to look fly. I need to get on that. But I really need to start saving for grad school. I definitely like to put stuff off because even though I like traveling starting over kinda terrifies me. Especially starting over alone-again. But I need to have money for an apartment, money for tuition, money for food, and money for another if my dad gets his way and I get a piece of crap car. And everything in life depends on this overly complicated process of getting a car. Not to mention even if I find the perfect car for the perfect price it will still take me another two or three days just to get the loan money since my dad won't give it to me now. Who will hold a car for three days for me. I don't think dealerships do that...I'll have to pray and beg and maybe cry in order to get that to work...I wish they would just give me the money so I can get things done...If people would trust me with my own life that would be incredible. I don't know....

Maybe its just me...

I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand that I am an adult and should be treated as such. I don't get why people get upset that I have my own opinion, and that I don't easily succumb to the will of others. I thought those were traits that should be admired in a person. I thought that's the intent that people raise their children with...but maybe I'm wrong. Since it seems that others believe that they know more about me and my situation than I ever could which baffles me.

No Job, No Car....starting to feel like a bum

Okay so I have always enjoyed my time not having to have a job. I love it I will be honest. There is this intoxicating freedom with knowing that you don't have to be somewhere 30 hours out of your week. Not because I am lazy, moreso because I am involved with everything so I love my free time-especially while I'm still in school. However, I really want a car. And after waiting so many years to get one I just want to have the freedom of a car-which sadly means I lose freedom to get it. I don't think people understand how difficult it is to get a car when you don't have one. How can I go to car lots or get cars inspected if I have no way to get there; how can I get a job if I have no way to get to the interview and no way to get to and from work. I don't know how people build from scratch. Thankfully I do have scholarship/internship/grant money coming in at random times that I can use to get a car. However, since I had the money for the car and it didn't go through I'll admit I started spending more money on clothes and trips because I wanted to be happy even if I couldn't be happy with a car. Not smart I know, cause now I am in the position that I cant get what I want. Which after waiting for years to get one is just about the same as not being able to afford it at all. My dad wants me to get a bucket that I can just drive around Little Rock. What he doesn't understand is that any break I have I want to take my car with me or else I'll be in the same position on my breaks and I won't be able to visit friends or go shopping or any of the things college students like to do on their breaks from a long semester. The worst thing on a break is to be talking to a friend who has free time like you but you can't hang out because neither of you has a car. I feel like I'm 14 wanting to experience the world but stuck inside by endless boundaries and obstacles. Just last night I sat in my summer dorm room all night wishing I had had more time to car shop...but not just time I had had plenty of time to car shop but since my brother has to work long hours I never actually got to see many of the cars that I found. Ugh. And now I'm back in LR where it seems that if you want a car for under 4 grand it will literally be a ball of steel after some terrible accident in which it was involved. And the same problem is evident. Only worse because it is only a matter of days or weeks until my parents kick me off the phone plan and even though I love verizon..It is too high for any upcoming professional in the making. It's more than insurance. I'm gonna look for a car and save my research money...and just maybe when school starts I will have a car.

My Summer has been AWESOME!

A week in the Bahamas, a 4 day cruise to Florida Key West and Mexico. God has definitely blessed me. I don't even know if I can describe at this moment how great it was. Maybe I will have to come back and fill in the details. But even my time home (SAT) has been great. In spite of the heat and the fact that I still don't have a car so I have to do the walk of shame back to school-AGAIN, I still got to see most of my very best friends of all time that I only get to see twice a year- some less. And I still know that although things come up they still have my back through everything. My friends that I met in either elementary school or middle school that no matter how much time separates us will still make time if an opportunity or need arises. I'm especially grateful that I got to reconnect with a friend from ms/hs that I have not spoken to in years and it has made this summer much more interesting, much more exciting, and made me reevaluate my life in regards to where I'm going, what my likes and dislikes really are, and what goals I really have for myself. Made me really think about how I am just floating through life without a destination and that I have kinda become complacent. Just waiting for the next opportunity that presents itself not actually taking a goal and striving for excellence and to succeed. So I have made some new goals that I will post at a later time of a few things I want to do just for me. Not what everyone else wants of me. I am going to miss my friends when I go to school tomorrow. Sometimes I feel bad cause I don't keep in touch like I should but my people don't even stress about it at all. And we are always there for each other even if it can't be in person.

Also this summer I have made stronger friendships with people from Philander..they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well I think that works with friends as well. Maybe its a November baby thing. That makes me feel better about life as well especially I'm going into my first collegiate school year that I won't be involved with my ex. And since one girl has left our corner (lol) for law school. I feel happy that I have received so much support in life. I'm really thankful for my roommate as well. I don't talk to her much over the summer-(its her vacation from me lol) but we are always cool. I need a car though so I don't worry her to death. But the best of friends can put up with that kind of maddness and still want to hang out with ya later. I'm kinda rambling at this point. I just know that although I need to grow up a lot still. I also know that I need to enjoy this rare point in life when I have the freedom and the means to just have fun and find out who I am and what I like and express it to the world. And that is what I plan to do. And like I said I will upload my list later. I love both of my blogs...and although no one probably reads them but me. It has been a great release and seems like once I put stuff on here things just happen-and I love it.

Midnight Ramblings

One of my good friends graduated from college a few weeks ago. She came to school with me and graduated a year early. I had the opportunity to but I chose not to-mainly for a guy (which was probably not the best reason to base a decision off of). But now, I am no longer with that guy and it has me thinking of whether I should have graduated early as well. I like that this fourth year will permit me to be Queen and have a year of reign which hopefully will be fun and beneficial. I just hope that me wanting to have an extra year of fun without the hardline responsibility of adulthood doesn't make me a slacker. And sadly I will admit that I am being a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to preparing for the GMAT and GRE and also I have put off my real search for other options besides the Cornell program that I am so interested in. I know I was like this when it came to looking for colleges and I ended up being blessed to attend my current school and meet all of the wonderful people. But I don't want to take for granted the blessings that I know God has given me by not putting full effort into my future plans. I just wish I knew what the plan He has for me. And I'll admit that I am not looking forward to starting over again completely-by myself. I loved it for undergrad but I was really hoping that I would have someone to move into the next phase of life with instead of having to be alone again...maybe thats why I've been putting it off. I feel like once people hit a certain age its hard for them to break out of their comfort zones to let someone new in-especially if they have lived there for their entire lives. So I don't want to have to force myself on people and at the same time I definitely don't want to be home alone every night with no one to hang out with. It would get so old going to dinner, movies, malls, cultural events, etc by yourself with no one to discuss life and events with...I don't want to ever slip back into feeling inadequate...I don't want to be alone in whats supposed to be the most fun decade of your life...I just want everything to work out and to have a wonderful life. Hopefully everything will fall into place.

I Won I Won I Won!!!!!

The crown is mine! I won! It's so hard to grasp...it's kinda surreal. I found out Thursday at chapel that I won it all! People kept telling me that I would win but I didn't want to believe it until it was really real so I wouldn't end up getting my feelings or my ego hurt. But I hear that I won by a landslide. I didn't realize how much support that I have on campus. I thought that since I was always in the background that I would have problems gathering support. But I guess I wasn't as far in the background as I thought. Luckily, everything worked out and the other ladies were gracious and kind even though I'm sure it hurt a little. I hope I can live up to the full potential of the job and all of the expectations of the student body that I represent.

I think that I am growing...throughout this pageant process and over the course of the year. I hope that by the time I graduate that I am fully ready to take on the world. Hopefully

SO EXCITED...

and kinda anxious too. Voting for the Miss PSC pageant begins Tuesday, and by Thursday at Chapel, I will know whether or not I have won. I really hope that I have. I think people know that I'm a good girl. I just hope they think that I will be a great representation for the school and vote for me. I feel like I really would be the best woman for the job because of what I have to offer and the feedback that I have received from various students. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. just 5 days til we will all know. 5 days. I'll keep you posted.

TOP 3 BABY!

OMG I made top 3! I can't believe I didn't write this sooner. I have mixed feelings about the actual pageant but people keep telling me that I did really well. What's even better is that so many people are telling me that they are supporting me for this position, some that I never even expected. I really hope that I will win because I really believe that I can be amazing in this position. I am definitely not perfect, but I work so hard when it's something that I really want and believe in. If I get this I will be so ecstatic and elated and every other positive word there is. I really want to win.

I have so much to say

but I don't know how to say it. And I don't know who's listening...Maybe tomorrow I can get it together

Miss PSC

So...I'm running for Miss PSC for real. I really want to but I'm so nervous because I have only done one pageant before-Four years ago. I have to get with it...I just wish I had more time to get ready...I'll be great though. I have to do well.

Who I am

"I want someone to love me for who I am. I want someone to need me, is that so bad?"

I don't think so. I don't think there is such thing as being too young, old, ugly, pretty, whatever to be in love. Granted there probably is a time that is the best for each individual, but how in the world do you find out when that time is and with whom. You can spend so much time with one person building a friendship and a connection then one day it's just done...over, and all you can do is say okay-or look like a pathetic child begging the person to stay...You really have no choice in the matter but to figure out what you did to make it happen and try to make it better for next time if your heart ever heals enough to allow someone else to come in.

And it's like the worst thing in the world for someone to leave and say that you didn't do anything wrong. You would think that that would make it better but it doesn't. If nothing is wrong then there is nothing that I can fix. And it's a horrible feeling to know that you can do everything right for years and the other person can still just drop you like you were never significant to him or even to life in general.

It's funny because I was cool being single before...but more than falling for a person, I really have fallen for the idea of being with someone and it sucks to go back to being alone...

I Was Gonna Say That...

I was so excited Thursday to see so many students banding together to make a statement. It's so encouraging when you realize that if you have a valid concern and you approach it in the right way you can get things done. You really can. And I am excited that the prez truly believes in his message and when we finally took a stand and addressed the concerns, he decided to help us create a better, more functional SGA, structured so that we can promote change where necessary on campus-which is our job. It's great.

This is the shortened version of what I wanted to say since the dumb internet cut off.

I Got Something to Say

....but the internet connection sucks and it was all lost. I'm upset...I'll try again later.

First Step...

I am so sore. I have been working out for the past few days and I'm starting to believe that being sore is the punishment for not working out in-I don't even know how long...maybe summer. But hopefully I will get the results that I want, unlike this summer. Nothing is more depressing then working out four to five days a week for three months and not seeing any results. The fact that I'm not eating fast food should help.

This will my first step in becoming the person who I want to be. This post is was very random-i know.

It's Greek to Me

It means "New beginning," at least that's what babel fish told me. There are so many bad habits that I need to shed, not just the fast food-if you've read my other blog. Beyond that I need to be in a state where I absolutely love myself unconditionally. And that's a journey that I am so ready to embark upon. I don't want to just drift through life, I want to actively make my life amazing, and I want to experience every blessing that God put on this earth especially for me. I am taking back what's mine and I will not settle for the mediocrity that was my life.

I think now is a good time because I have enjoyed this school year more than any other so far, and it just seems like now I have found happiness, and I think I'm addicted.