Just a Little Broken

I don't know if I ever really addressed it. I guess my break up was just before I started this blog. But I cant deny the effect that it has had on me. We broke up. And it hurt. I felt like there was no real justification which brings no real closure. Then he wanted to be friends right away, and I couldn't tell him no-even though he really hurt me. I guess that is my flaw, wanting to please people, which almost always means that I don't get what I want. I guess that is why I started this blog. To express myself and hold myself accountable. But I haven't even been completely honest on here, I have left off many key things in order to look like the person that everyone else wants me to be, which is extremely pathetic I see as I write. I think I'm over him though. Of course there is an occasional wave of sadness here and there for the past, but I think that I have healed well and am ready to move on. But, I still care about his opinion and his feelings and I don't know why. Although I am completely justified in everything that I do relationship-wise I think if I start dating he may be jealous or upset. And I shouldn't care how he feels, but I do, and I don't know what that means. I've been my talking to The Prez and he says we are still in a relationship because we still hang out. And he thinks that the boy and I still have feelings for each other, but we don't from what I can tell. He looks at me differently. And we are never in a good place at the same time. He's upset and I'm happy, and vice versa. Maybe it was always like that but we could bring each other out of bad moods when we were together. We could make each other happy...but it's not there anymore. But to be completely honest I would be weirded out and a little bothered if he started dating someone else. I think I should have that right since I was the one dumped. And I can't admit it to The Prez but sometimes I feel like I have an obligation to the boy-and I know I shouldn't.

Maybe I have too much time to think about it. He busies himself all day so I doubt he thinks about me more than just to text an occasional or random message. I don't think it would be rebounding to date again. I just would like for it to be with a guy that has no relation to the boy. To make things easier on me. I don't know what else to say or how to justify myself further. It's funny though, I think the worst part of break ups is not having anyone to talk to about it because nobody else can understand what you are going through besides the person that just told you that they don't want you anymore. I think that's how I got suckered into this friendship with him. I don't regret staying is friend though, I'm just not sure how to move forward.